Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
