3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
