i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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