I can feel you judging me through the phone.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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