I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
