I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
