She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
