Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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