A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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