my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
