I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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