everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
