That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize