he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
