My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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