He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
