Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
