I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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