Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
