i need an iv and a liver transplant
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
