You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
