Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
