Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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