It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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