Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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