There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
