she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
