I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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