last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
