what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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