Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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