i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
