We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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