Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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