You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
