Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
