I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
