one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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