She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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