dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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