also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
