she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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