she told me i tasted like america
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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