I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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