i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
