All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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