Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
