she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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