The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
