hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
