Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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