i need an iv and a liver transplant
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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