I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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