I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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