I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
