just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
