I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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